I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
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I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
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ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I need to calm my uterus...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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