Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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