Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
