I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
