i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
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He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
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That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Terrible idea I love it
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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