My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
