I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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