I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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