Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
