How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
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I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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