So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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