I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
