yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
