So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
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sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
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We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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