I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
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woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
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please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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