ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
