I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
