Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
