So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
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You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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