i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
