Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
