I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
