So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
