the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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