remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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