Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
