We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
