I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
