FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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