if i can run in heels then i can drive
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
