At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
