i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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