Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
