Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
