I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
