My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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