That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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