i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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