I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
