Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
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