she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?