someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
