yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
