I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
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