i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
