dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
