How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
