My hair reeks of homosexuality.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
