Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
