if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I checked into jail on foursquare
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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