i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
You came to the right person.