i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
