can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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