I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
