My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
