You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
