you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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