We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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